Writer's Block: Funky Depression Pt 1: Thanksgiving & NaNoWriMo

I don’t even know how it happened. I was starting on the story of the two brothers, which was giving me lots of good progress – for every scene I wrote, a dozen or more questions would present themselves. I can take those questions to Dad and his cousins, Tina and Joan, for more interview material. I want to get this story written, for sure. This is the historical fiction book I've been preparing to write for over a year, based on my grandfather and great-uncle as teenagers. I threw caution to the wind and decided to make this my NaNoWriMo 2016 Project.

But, then, the election hit. I sat up watching the horrific results roll in, triggering a PTSD-like shock and semi-catatonic response. For days, I drank and scrolled though the feeds. Article after article, report after report, my depression was deep and hopeless. I vacillated between thoughts of suicide, homicide, withdrawal and action. I was unmotivated to write, unmotivated to create…just wanted to turn back in time, but that was not possible. I was not alone; many people were going through similar stages of grief and emotional response, many of them also white, American women - those of us that did not cast those silent votes for neo-nazism. But, this is not about those details; this is about how I, as a writer and artist, respond.

I started writing about it. That became Project number two, a wandering collection of thoughts and essays that I hoped would help me sort out my feelings and formulate a response. I wanted to – and still do– keep the momentum for progressive and proactive action. I thought about starting a support group for progressive writers and artists, or healers, some sort of community action group. Still thinking that, actually. I have an ongoing list of acronyms and mission statements towards that purpose.

And yet. Two weeks have passed, with no words added to my nano count. Traditionally, I sit at my mother-in-law’s table after Turkey dinner on Thanskgiving and power through several thousand words. So, here I sit. I wrote 52 words on my original HF novel, Baltimore Boys. Felt stilted and ridiculous. I started a blog post, felt disconnected there, too. So I randomly wrote 1100 words about a woman and a horse on a ranch. I have no idea what the heck that is, or will be.

I am looking at a low battery and 5481 words to write each day for the next seven days in order to finish on time. Will I? Should I? Do I commit to one of these projects or do I focus on other evils at hand? I am not sure, but I must write this week, and that is a fact.

There is the story of the Rule Breakers. The Rule in NaNoWriMo is that you write a complete novel, fresh, perhaps using pre-prepared notes and character drafts, etc, but beginning to end a fresh new novel. If you decide to write something else, you are a Rule Breaker – a collection of esssays or short stories, a play, a revision of an earlier work, a nonfiction book of some type…these are allowed – anything is allowed, but against the stream of the intention of the project.

By going into two or even three possible projects, I may have been able to call myself a Rule Breaker, this year, but I won’t do that unless I actually make some damn progress this week. Serious word count – not just words on a page, which a lot of this is, but something to work with. Some pile of raw clay to be molded and shaped into something readable, publishable, workable. So tired of this wallowing, aimless feeling when it comes to these NaNo projects. I have not felt the fire of fiction since 2011’s novel, HISMZA. My memoir project has fire, but it burns me out, limiting my ability to work actively on it. It is intense, and I am uncertain of its final shape and form, which is exhilarating yet terrifying, as expected.

So, I continue to vent - stream-of-consciousness writing - in the hopes of spewing the dregs and uncovering the gems. 

Thinking About Family Traits and Identity

Is it a vacation? Is it work? I just spent two weeks with my parents, at their home in Florida.  How do you feel about spending time with your parents/family? A friend of mine put it nicely when she said, "You love to miss them."

I do love my family. I talk to my mom and dad (still together after 47 years) at least once a week, and enjoy our conversations, for the most part. Recently, someone asked me what we talked about, as they could not imagine having regular conversations with their own parents. Well, to be honest, we talk about a lot of things: Movies we've seen, books we're reading, what other family members or friends are up to, what we think about the latest non-political events (we do not discuss politics, as we do not agree--I think), we question the past and remember things together, and we tell stories about our lives. Sometimes we discuss what we believe in, or how we are struggling. We talk about health: what supplements we are trying out, what works and what doesn't, what hurts and what doesn't, and how to massage a sore neck (being a massage therapist, I often guide my mother to treat my dad's aches and pains, which she is good at, being as intuitive and body-aware as I am.

These trips are a hodge-podge of goals. My parents aren't getting any younger, and I want to spend time with them, especially since I can help my dad's aches with massage, and they are both healthy enough to do things with us, like go on trips, swim, walk, and tell us stories.

I love the stories. I love the swimming and sight-seeing, too, but the stories have always drawn me. As a little girl, I used to beg my parents and grandparents:
"Tell me what it was like when you were little!"
"What did you do, without a television?"
"Where did your family go on vacation?"
"How did you get to school? Did you like your teachers? What were you good at?"
Questions, questions, all day long. And what answers did I get?
"That's ancient history."
"What do you want to know that for?"
"What are you, writing a book?"

Yes. Yes, I am. I am writing a book.

I have been writing this book for over forty years. Most of my sources are gone from this plane, but I still have my parents. Their minds are sharp (well, my mom is pretty rusty at Boggle, but otherwise...) and their bodies sound. I find I learn things in person that just never seem to come across over the phone. I have to prod, I have to dig...Most people don't realize their stories are valid, or interesting, or news to me, apparently, but they are. When we get past the repetition of "remember that time..." I find nuggets of gold - true tales of love and loss, struggle and success - rich with the details only heard from the people that were there. I can read about the past before I came along all I want, but unless someone was there, and tells you, you won't know what the streets smelled like after a hot summer rain, back when there were still horses and carriages roaming the streets of Baltimore. You won't know how it felt to a kid in the 1940s, to sit on top of the radiator after dinner to warm up on a cold evening, and listen to radio programs like The Shadow, and then talk about it the next day with the other kids that listened the night before. You might not learn what it was like to win the car of your dreams in an auction but be unable to retrieve it because you are in the Navy, stuck at sea, and your father won't be bothered to pick it up for you. Or how your mother used to have sleepovers with her grandmother, and lay in bed together cracking jokes and counting toes. These little moments, shared with family, crossing generations, show the charms and humor, the frustrations and flaws, the love and learning of life that we all share.

I have met young people who seem to think that their generation is different from the ones before. That they are more modern, that older people can't understand them, or comprehend how forward their thinking is. They think they are smarter, more informed, better prepared for life and the future. And, in some small ways, maybe each generation is. But, how can you think that the differences are of any consequence? Our grandparents drank, and smoked, and swore. They had premarital sex. Some of our great-grandparents had orgies, or were part of throuples, before the word existed, or posed for pornographic photographs, paintings, or etchings. Many of them stuck their middle fingers in the air at society and expectations, and picked up sticks for adventure and fortune seeking. That's how life works. People are people, with or without smartphones, the internet, cars, the wheel, or fire.

I have always accepted the humanity of my parents and those that came before. Maybe because I grew up so close to my parents and grandparents, and even knew two of my great-grandmothers well, and have sat around the table at Sunday dinner hearing the tales. And my mother, she never lied to me (not even about Santa Claus) or hid from my questions. She always treated me as an adult, and spoke to me as such. She always answered my questions as best she could, complexity relative to my age and comprehension. I am grateful for that, to this day. Most of the adults in my life took time to teach me things, talk to me, and answer my questions, to some extent.

And yet...I still have unanswered questions. I will continue to ask them, as soon as I can figure out what they are. I have found that the secret to getting the answers you need is to find the right questions to ask. That is the hardest part. It's not enough to say, "tell me how it was." You have to prod, poke, and provoke the stories. Especially to find the ones that haven't seen the light of day in decades; the ones that aren't rehearsed, or censored. Those are the good ones. Those are the ones in which you can find yourself.

Still Being an Introvert

The only thing I've submitted for publication lately is a caption for a New Yorker Cartoon.

Summertime Assessment: Where are you writing? Where are mentally?

I haven't updated in a while, so I thought I would post a quick blog. See that there doggy up there? Yep, that has been me, for months. My dedicated writing days and hours have given way to lengthy sleep-ins and naps. My doctor says there is nothing wrong with me, so I am left to speculate on the cause of my seemingly permanent exhaustion. So far, I am looking at a number of possible reasons, but no clear answer.

• I have spent many years doing too much and keeping odd hours, and my body is taking a few years to recover and make up for lack of sleep from 1998 - 2010. 
• I am still grieving over the loss of David Bowie. Yes, I am. I am still having sad dreams about his passing, like this one*. 
• I fell really hard a month ago and wrecked my lower right leg - I may have fractured the tibia bone, even. Serious bruising and pain...and my body may need sleep to help heal.
• I am of an age that causes weird hormonal surges and stuff...exhaustion could be related to that.
• I have a fairly open schedule these days (no extra jobs or classes or hobbies beyond my normal ones) and have more time to sleep...so I do. Like, "a body in motions tends to stay in motion" but inertia breeds inertia...
• I am possibly doing some heavy duty work on the astral planes and spiritual levels that makes my sleep less rejuvenating and more exhausting...
• I'm just a lazy MF and layabout.

So... that said, I am still writing a bit here and there, but haven't made much progress on my long-term projects. I have written a few scenes, a few short pieces, but nothing I'm really excited about. 

I've been reading and editing manuscripts for others, which also eats some of my writing time. I really should be carving out more dedicated times for each activity and mixing them so.

In two weeks, I am going to Los Angeles for the weekend. I will be attending a literary event at a well known bookstore, and hopefully meeting a few authors. I will also be meeting with another writer to discuss a mutual project. I'm looking forward to it. I am also hoping to have time to take the Hollywood Ghost Tour! I love that stuff. 

I am looking at a lot of changes that I want to make this year:

• Create a working space at home with a better chair and writing desk
• Adding more instructive events to my writers group
• Creating a more specific calendar for timelines, deadlines, and publishing (which I have slacked on)
• Clearing clutter at home and updating my goals and environment to be more productive

I suppose, being halfway through the year, it is a sort of assessment and adjustment period. 

I'd love to hear from some of you, as well:

• What kind of things are you working on? 
• What areas of your life would you like to improve?

And our work space can be so helpful or hindering. Tell me about your own writing work space?

1. Where do you write?
2. When do you write? (Times, days?)
3. What conditions have to be met for you to feel focused or productive in your writing?
4. Do you listen to music or anything while writing? What?
5. What inspires you?
6. Do you write regularly? If so, how do you do it without "feeling inspired"?

I'll give my answers in the comments. 

I will address #6, though: It is the distinction between a WRITER and a WANNABE WRITER. You must show up, for the inspiration to come. If you only sit down to write when you feel inspired, the muse won't come as often. The more you sit down to write - even ten minutes a day, in a journal, or at your computer, or on the backs of envelopes, whatever - the more you will find you have to write about. 

* I dreamt that 70s (Man Who Sold the World) era Bowie had auditions to be his suicide assistant, because he was terminally ill. And when my turn came, I just held him and cried and kept trying to thing of other non-lethal solutions...so I failed the audition.

Screenplay Time!

Okay, about four (five?) years ago, I put "Write a screenplay" on my To-Do List. A couple of weeks ago, I finally got around to reading Blake Snyder's book on screenplay writing, Save the Cat! published in 2005. While the author's voice seems a little cartoonishly "old Hollywood," slightly misogynistic, and a tad out-of-date (i.e., "Go down to Blockbuster"), the information is still very useful.

You know how you get a great idea, set it up, start writing, then get all muddled on the way to the end? That middle part- the second act- is always so challenging for me. Well, Snyder lays out a "Beat Sheet" of 15 plot points, that can be used for the bones of any story. I don't think I'm giving anything away by showing you the list. There is much more to learn from the book.

For a 110 minute movie (Snyder tends to write Rated G & PG Family Comedies, but this length is also typical for any comedy or horror film, which I would like to write), this is the breakdown:

1. Minute 1: Opening Image - Sets the tone for the whole movie/story
2. Minute 5: Stated Theme - Usually said by someone to the MC, this is the theme of the movie
3. Minute 1-10: Set-up - Establishes starting point of story and main characters
4. Minute 12: Catalyst - the inciting incident that sets the story in motion
5. Minute 12-25: Debate - MC waffles, debates taking action
6. Minute 25: Break into Act II - MC starts action and story in motion
7. Minute 30: B-Story - Subplot, Minor Characters, or Secondary story is addressed here
8. Minute 30-55: Fun & Games - Exactly what it sounds like
9. Minute 55: Mid-Point - This is where things change - if the setup and Act 1 was MC on the upswing, here things go wrong/downhill. If Act 1 was MC on the way down, here is the turning point for the better. In either case, it is a counterpoint to the first half of the story. It also usually involves a reference to death - a near-accident, a fall, a dead pet, even a dead house plant...
10. Minute 55-75: Bad Guys Close In - Here is where the MC's path is blocked. The bad guys show up, create obstacles, and do harm.
11. Minute 75: All Is Lost - Rock-bottom for MC, rug is pulled out from under, plan seems done.
12. Minute 75-85: Dark Night of the Soul: Things just keep getting worse for the MC, they are forced to face their demons, come to an understanding or revelation, change their perception and behavior, etc.
13. Minute 85: Break Into Act III
14. Minute 85-110: Finale - Tying up loose ends, the payoff, etc.
15. Minute 110: Closing Image - Counterpart to opening image, finishing touch and mood

Okay. 

So what I've been doing all week, is watching movies and breaking them down, to see if I can find all 15 points. I still find it challenging just after the Mid-Point, to really name those #10,11,12. And sometimes I'm not sure what the B-Story is, or the Mid-Point, even. But, I'm getting better. And I'm already framing my horror film idea into this structure, so I can finally envision successfully using "index cards" and a storyboard, so to speak. I feel like this homework will drastically cut down on my work load, and get me further into a finished script or story sooner than my old methods of discovery writing. (I will still use that, but for different stages of different projects.)

I've been practicing the beat breakdown on Teenage/High School Films, Comedies, and Horror Films.

Clueless

Sixteen Candles

Pretty In Pink

Mean Girls

Adventures in Babysitting

Austin Powers 2: Goldmember

Liar, Liar

Nightmare on Elm St.

Nightmare on Elm St. 2: Freddy's Revenge

Nightmare on Elm St. 3: Dream Warriors

Wes Craven's New Nightmare

I think one of the Save the Cat! sequels breaks down a bunch of films, so I plan on reading those soon, and doing some comparison work.

There are several Screenplay Competitions in the coming months, that I may look into, although I've heard for the most part that those are not necessarily the best way to spend your time and money. I want to make sure it is judged by good, productive people, and I actually receive valuable feedback on my submission. I may just skip that stuff, and go straight to pitching...We'll see, once I get the script done!

My working title is "This Little Piggy."

Reliving David Bowie's Musical Career

It has been nearly two months since the passing of David Bowie. A few hours past midnight on January 11th, 2016, I began listening to his music. All of it. I started with David Bowie, aka Space Oddity (UK & US titles, respectively) and went right through to Blackstar, which I had already been obsessing over the weekend between its release (Jan. 8th) and his death.

As a lifelong fan, I was familiar with much of his music, but not everything. I always meant to get serious about collecting his records, but he already had such a back-catalog by the time I was listening to his music...the man has 27 studio albums and 9 live albums spanning six decades. Then there's 49 compilation albums, 6 EPs, 121 singles, 3 soundtrack albums, and appearances on 68 other albums. There are also hundreds of videos, interviews, and-- just mass amounts of media. That man is the definition of prolific, even with ten year gap from 2003-2013, when he "retired" to be a stay-at-home daddy to his new daughter, Lexi, with wife, Iman.

In recent years, Bowie's discography has been remastered and re-released with bonus tracks. I chose to listen to this updated music library, in lieu of my vinyl, CD, and digital copies. I did so on Spotify- you'll be happy to know that Spotify has nearly every Bowie recording available. Since January 10th, I have listened to nothing else. I started at the beginning (1967's eponymous release) and worked my way through the years.

Historically, my favorite albums have been 70's Hunky Dory and Heroes, 80's Let's Dance and the collaborative Tin Machine, and 1997's Earthling. Of course, there are many singles along the way and in between that resonate, but as far as complete albums go, these were my go-to listening choices.

Here's what I discovered and rediscovered in the course of listening to the complete, chronological Bowie:

• David Bowie is a master chameleon, always ahead of the world in his art.This, we knew, but hearing his work so steadily and progressively really brings that home. His early music is decidedly folk- acoustic, poetic, revolutionary. He moved on to blue-eyed soul, and nailed it. Jazzy arrangements and saxophone-laden jam sessions that never overstay their welcome. He skimmed over the disco era long enough to take the crown, with the timeless anthem of Starman. He ushered in the New Wave movement, and led the Second Wave British Invasion of music across the Atlantic. In the nineties, he explored electronica and beautifully played with industrial sound and techno soundtracks. He continued to innovate until his death, with music that is unlike anyone else's, ever.
  
• There is a David Bowie for everyone.Again, nothing we didn't already know, but, really, I don't care who you are, or how conservative your taste is- there is something of his work that will speak to you.
  
  I know a senior man who doesn't much care for his music, but was floored by Bowie's performance in The Elephant Man. I know a millenial woman who isn't familiar at all with his music, but was weaned on his performance as Jareth, The Goblin King, in the 1986 fantasy movie Labyrinth. Some people strictly recognize him as an 80s icon, while others associate him with 1970s zeitgeist. I have other acquaintances who are most familiar with him through his collaborations with Iggy Pop, Mick Jagger, or innovators like Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails.
  
  Ziggy Stardust, The Thin White Duke, The Man Who Fell to Earth, Aladdin Sane, The Clown/Pierrot, The Goblin King, The New Waver,The Rocker,  The Outsider, The Elder Statesman, or Lazarus... I believe there is something that speaks to everyone. He is a true artist, masterfully expressing himself in music, theater, film, and paintings.
  
• David Bowie has an incredible vocal range.High notes that soar. Low notes that croon. Harmonizing with himself, creating negative aural spaces that seem to open the soul. He has just as many vocal styles as he does visual personas, yet each is distinctively and undeniably David Bowie.

• David Bowie is a musical master.He plays guitar, most notably on the early folksy-songwriter styles of the sixties and very early seventies. He plays the saxophone, the piano, and the harmonica, all live and on record. He plays percussion instruments, taught himself the cello, the viola, the stylophone, and the Japanese stringed koto. He could probably play other instruments, just for kicks. 

• David Bowie is unflappably British.He's not just born and raised in London, England, he is consummately English. He spent years in Los Angeles (or, "Cocaine" as he calls it), then moved to Lake Geneva, Switzerland, then Berlin, Germany, where he famously overcame his cocaine addiction. He owns an Indonesian island home called Mustique, and he has most certainly traveled the world time and time again. He and his wife, Iman, set up homes in New York (Manhattan apartments and a rural home near Woodstock, NY) for the past twenty-five years, yet he has said that he always felt the outsider. Through all of that, he has held onto his traditional Englishness- preferring tea to coffee, eating lots of meat and mash (until his heart attack in 2004, after which Iman guided him to a healthier diet), and never losing his original Brixton dialect.
  
  Despite his outrageous visual, musical, and sexual statements, he has spent a good deal of his life behind closed doors. His family life in New York is particularly unmarked by publicity, and he is known to have enjoyed his relative anonymity and low profile a great deal. He is full of wit and humor, but also reserved and private. Typically British.

Back to my chronological listening journey...

There is so much more to his oeuvre than even I realized!

I was unfamiliar with the album Station to Station, except for the single “Golden Years.” Oh, and last year, I was shocked to hear his cover of my favorite Nina Simone song, “Wild is the Wind” on KEXP radio. How had I never known this existed? It's the last track here. I fell in love with this album…all six tracks. It is dark sound and heavy lyrics are mesmerizing, full of soaring melancholy.

Somehow, I had never gotten around to hearing two of his three "Berlin Trilogy" (Low, Heroes, Lodger). I loved Heroes, and have played it over the years, but not Low or Lodger. I had only heard a few songs from these albums when I went to see him live in concert in 2004. I remember wondering why I didn’t have these albums…Upon this Spotify listening session, I was drawn into the minimalist compositions and many of the songs. Stripped down instrumentation with laid-back guitar riffs and the kind of bouncy bass lines that speak of ease and relaxed rhythm carry this record.

Lodger opens with the whimsical “Fantastic Voyage” which rises and crests with a heartwrenchingly long note that crashes back to the shore of happy melody with lyrics about depression. My favorite kind of juxtapositional music! (This was one of those songs I first heard live, on the Reality Tour.) The second track, “African Night Flight” sounds as if it could have been recorded last month. It’s almost hard to believe he was making this music nearly forty years ago (1978-79), when it still sounds so fresh and edgy. “Yassassin” is a song I wished I had choreographed back when I was bellydancing. This album spoke so much to me that I spent six days replaying it over and over before moving on to the next album, Scary Monsters and Super Creeps.

Other albums I spent more time with were the electronic offerings of the mid-nineties, Outside and Hours. Again, there is some timeless element present, that makes these works sound like they were just produced.

Last week (the first days of March), I finished the list of studio albums. This week, I have been exploring Live at the Beeb, which was released as a 3-disc set in 2000. I am stuck on Disc One, still, 1969-1972. He’s got Tom Visconti and the band in the BBC studio, and they play psychedelic folk rock from the early albums and unrecorded tracks like “Let Me Sleep Beside”, which David explains his mother thought was “too dirty”, as well as songs to be included on the as yet unreleased Hunky Dory. The songs are interspersed with interview Q and A, and it’s truly wonderful to get a glimpse of the artist as a young man.

I have many more live recordings to go, and maybe, by the end of the year, I will be able to listen to everything without breaking into tears.

NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge

This is my third year participating in the NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge. There are three rounds, with assignments of genre, character, and subject. In 2014, I got an Honorable Mention, but didn't make it on to Round Two. In 2015, I made it to Round Two. I was hoping for a Round Three placement this year, but I am already out!

I was excited to get the Horror genre, for the first time. But my character and subject assignments pleased me less: a paleontologist and a drug addiction. I mulled it over for the first day and night, trying not to write something too close to Jurassic Park or Jeckyll & Hyde. All my initial ideas seemed too far into the realm of science fiction, and I wanted to make sure I hit the horror notes.

I didn't push. I wrote some story bits, got some feedback, kept brainstorming, but had saved Friday and Saturday for the bulk of the rewriting. Unfortunately, a trip to the eye doctor on Friday caused me to lose many hours - I didn't realize I would be having my eyes dilated, and it took h-o-u-r-s to go back to normal. I had to spend the afternoon at the Fred Meyer's (where the optician is) waiting for sunset before I could even attempt driving! Still, I managed to get to Starbucks and pound out 1049 words, blind.

The next day, after work, I thought I had 8 hours to finish and submit, but I had forgotten to account for the time zone difference, and actually only had five hours. I pounded out nearly 5000 words, a new version of the story I had been tweaking all week, by 8:32 pm (deadline at 9pm PST). I raced through the document, slashing and burning entire scenes, aiming for that 2500 word limit. I made it down to 2499 (close!) and opened the contest webpage. There was the countdown timer, staring at me: 00:00:00... It was 9:02 pm. I had missed the deadline! I jammed over to Twitter to beg for a grace period, but to no response. I had to accept that I would not be moving on at all this year!

It was a costly lesson, but at least I have an interesting story that I can now do something else with. I will let you know when it's available to be read!