Did I Write That? Rebuilding a Writing Practice After Health Issues or Getting Derailed

Today I remembered a story. It involved a woman...and her daughter? on a drive in the country, who end up staying at a remote estate with their genius host. The host is a philosopher or a scientist or something, and as they women spend more time at the estate, more is revealed to be out of the ordinary. I don't recall many of the details, and as this tale popped into my head, I tried to recall where or when I had read it, or who the author was.

Then I surprised myself by recalling that I was the author.

I started this story half a dozen years ago, during a NaNoWriMo month. I don't think I hit my 50,000 word goal, and I never finished it. I think I remember getting bogged down in that middle-of-the-book-bog that so often grips me in the process of longer works.

Now, I've mentioned before that my iron levels have been dangerously low, and I've been dutifully taking my iron supplements twice daily for eight months now. I am fairly certain my ferritin (stored iron) levels, while still in the "normal" range, have been dropping steadily for several years. Which has resulted in a major decrease in my physical and mental energy, ability to be active, productive, and even awake.



I've been remembering projects, ideas, plans, and dreams lately, feeling like Rip Van Winkle waking up to realize that years have slipped me, unused. I've lost a lot of time.


I didn't submit anything for publication the last two years. I didn't finish the memoir I was sure would be done two summers ago. I failed at every planned task of writing, editing, planning, and even attending workshops and writing conferences.




I don't know that I will go back to this story of mine, but the fact that I had completely forgotten writing it is telling. I sometimes feel the need to give myself a bit of space to grieve what I've lost (health, time, productivity), but also feel maybe more of a push just to get back to it. I'm still rebuilding my work schedule - my regular writing hours, time to the business of my writing, time to do the editing and work of other writers I've made agreements with... I'm sometimes asked: Do you have to time to do this? And the honest answer is, "I don't know," but I am eager to try.

Percolating and Planning

Mercury is in Retrograde... from March 5th until March 28th. If you are unfamiliar with this, it just means that from Earth, it looks like Mercury is going backwards in the sky. Actually, the fast little planet is just making its way around the other side of the sun ahead of us. Why does this make any difference to us? No idea, but it sure seems to. Mercury is the planet of communication, and when it goes retrograde (about three times a year) we experience breakdowns in communication: inexplicable network failures, computer glitches, failed credit/debit transactions, phone problems, failed alarms, and human interaction errors, too - missed appointments, misunderstandings, etc.

It's been helpful to me over the past couple of decades to be aware of this event, because I used to get really frustrated with my computer, spend hours trying to fix errors or glitches, then give up just to find everything mysteriously in working order the next day. I also make sure to double check and confirm all my appointment times/days/places, and do any of the "Re-" and "back" items on my list: repair, re-tune, reiterate, review, reassess, and back up, backtrack, back off. Rest, ruminate, and research.

OK, so anyway... I've been active on research this week. I've been researching writing conferences, workshops, and events and filling in my calendar, planning on which events I want to do. So far, I'm definitely doing a Spring Revision workshop with my friend and amazing writing coach, Sonya Lea in May, and I am leaning towards attending the Write on the Sound conference in Edmonds. I've always wanted to check it out, but it's in early October, and I always take my big two-week trip in September/October, so it's never worked out. Also, the PNWA Conference is in September this year, rather than July, so that will be a busy time.

I wrote up a list of some of these events, calls, and events of interest for a newsletter to my writers group. I used to keep a calendar on the Meetup site, but they removed some of the features I used for this. I switched to sending out news every month or two, but totally fell out of that habit during my Year of Anemia. No energy for those things...now it's coming back.

I have two major project ideas that I have been sitting on for at least two years. I am currently researching both...gathering information and hoping to get a plan of feasibility in place soon. More to come later!

First Post of 2019? Picking up where I left off...

Now, where was I?

Oh yes! Anemia! My January blood test showed my iron level up from 5 (on a scale of 15-150) to 18. I'm over the crest of "healthy" levels... although how can there be a 135-point range of healthy iron levels to begin with??) I am still taking iron supplements twice a day, and my brain and body are starting to wake up.

I still have a LOT to catch up on:

• Friends, family, social contact that was lost to the narcoleptic haze.
• Getting back to marketing and newsletters - both my massage therapy business and my writing group newsletters have been idle. I started several articles, started several update letters, but never could keep my eyes open or my energy up long enough to finish the writing and send them out.
• Writing Practice! Very important one, here. I bitched and moaned a few times the last two years, as my energy fizzled, about not having the right place/space and time to write available to me. There may be truth in that, but my lagging health was not helping. 
• Submissions! Goes along with the inability to stay focused and awake. Since my progress was in such small increments, I never really finished anything and therefore had nothing ready to submit for publication. Must rectify that gap in my resume, now. 
• Plans for further creating classes and teaching and facilitation writing events. 
• Personal goals like getting back to regular exercise and continuing to go through, sort, and purge old papers, books, media, and stuff; declutter and organize.

I keep remembering ideas I had before my energy was depleted. Now, these ideas are coming back to me and I am trying to prioritize them and the steps I need to take to make them reality. Everything from business ideas to travel goals to story ideas... they are back on the front burner.

Do You Feel Tired All The Time? Do You Fall Asleep at the Wheel?

I do. When I'm driving my car, I sometimes hold my eyelids open with my fingers. If it's really bad, I pull over, take a nap for 10 to 20 minutes, then get back on the road. And my commute is only 20 to 35 minutes long. I have been falling asleep a lot the past 18-24 months - at the wheel, in my office, while watching TV or movies, while reading, while writing at my laptop... just all the damn time.

Regular Writing Time Is Regular.

Routine.

It is the backbone of any practice. My routine is different every day, but tends to have larger patterns over weeks or months. Historically, my writing practice has looked like this, after years of development:

• Sunday: Write at Starbucks from about 3pm (sometimes 4 or 5) til 7 or 9pm.
• Monday: Make copies of work for my Monday Night Writers Group feedback read
• Tuesday: May write between my massage therapy sessions, depending on time
• Wednesday: Day off
• Thursday: Often write between sessions or after work for an hour or two.
• Friday: Depending on schedule, may write here and there between sessions at work.
• Saturday: Write for about 2 hours after work. 

Additionally, I keep a dream journal that I write in every day that I recall my dreams...

I also keep a log on my phone (I use Evernote) of story ideas, character names, inspiring prompts, etc. to work with in the writing hours.

But this past year (or longer), my energy is been at a serious low. I sit down to write in between sessions at work, and within minutes have closed the laptop and gone into napping. I force myself to get out of bed at the last possible minute before I have to go to work or wherever I need to be; otherwise, I will just stay in bed and sleep...for hours - 10, 12, 15, 20...however long I can get away with. 

I have felt guilty about my lack of productivity. My fitness and exercise, housework chores, my business upkeep (newsletters, mailings, contacting colleagues, clients/patients, etc.), my reading, and my writing have all suffered. I just can't seem to make myself stay awake and get stuff done.

I have always tried my best to listen to my body, tend to my self-care, and respond to signals as best I can. For the past two years, I continued to ask myself these questions:

• Is this normal? Obviously not. 
• Am I depressed? I have no history of clinical depression. I am a fairly self-motivated, positive thinker, with a ton of ideas and inspiration sources. I know depression is not tied to our will or desire, but other than all the excessive sleeping, I do not feel depressed.
  
• Is it politically driven? Oh yeah, except for the fact that I am a woman in tRump's America...that is pretty damn depressing. Every day is a battle for equal rights, civil discourse, freedom of the press, freedom of/from religion, freedom of speech minus the spew of hate, body sovereignty, clean air, clean water, protection for endangered animals and nature, and more. The news is depressing, infuriating, and unbelievable. Ignorance and intolerance is rampant, and these fossil fuel pawns and anti-science dweebs ate destroying our very planet. So, I ask myself once again: am I depressed?

• Is my erratic sleep schedule to blame? I basically live like a vampire.
• I have always been a night owl - I come from a long lineage of night owls - but it has gotten way out of hand. Instead of going to bed by 5 am, I have been going to bed/sleep at 7 am, 8 am, 9 am, sometimes on a day off not til 10 am. I sleep as long as I can - maybe 3 hours, maybe 2 or 4 or 5. 6 is the minimum best, but even when I sleep 9 hours, I still wake up tired, so what difference does it make? I know regular (-ish) sleep hours are the best for health, and I experienced the effects of sleep deprivation firsthand when I was in massage school in 1998 and working two jobs and only sleeping 4 to 6  hours per night. Even with naps, I was not getting enough sleep, and my brain was unable to think a way out of that. I also gained fifty pounds that year... definitely a side effect of not enough sleep. 
  
• So, have I allowed myself to create this exhaustion cycle myself? Why can't I just go the eff to bed? Once I'm in bed, I usually fall fast asleep, so it's not insomnia. I am awake, in the living room, either reading, or writing, or watching TV or movies, or chatting with friends in other time zones, or whatever. My brain is very awake and active (even if my body is not) between midnight and 6 am.
  
• Is this related to my Adderall use? I have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) and have been trying to find the sweet spot for dosage for a few years now. It's all trial and error. Since spring of this year, I've mostly been taking 15 mg when I first get up/have breakfast, then another 15mg 4 to 6 hours later.
  
  But Adderall can affect sleep. I don't take it anywhere near my "bedtime" but I wonder if it could be affecting my sleep, anyway?

I spoke to my doctor once again in October about my exhaustion and lack of energy and motivation. This time, she noticed just how pale I am, and decided to do a blood test on me for anemia. 

Two days later, the results are in: I am full-blown anemic! My iron level was 5, which basically means I had five red blood cells (not really, but may as well have been). The healthy range (according to allopathic western medicine; naturopathy and eastern medicine have more detailed ranges and meaning) is 15 - 150. Mine was 5. My other levels were low, too, and my doc told me to take iron supplements twice a day for three months and then get a follow-up blood test. She also told me to take vitamin C to help my body absorb the iron. 

I have been taking the iron and C twice every day for just over a month, now. I definitely feel the difference - I noticed I am more chatty, for one thing! I do recall wanting to tell someone some story or other over the past year, and thinking to myself, "meh, it's just not worth the effort." I have had several mornings where I wake up before the alarm clock and don't go back to sleep! I am excited at the prospect of being alert and having more awake time to be productive. Maybe I can get back to more exercise? Perhaps even the morning workouts at home I used to do? 

As of the diagnosis of anemia, I had only read 19 books (in 10 months?). I usually read about fifty to sixty a year, so I was behind by half. I can now stay awake and read more than 2 pages, so I'm happy about that, too. Especially since my book-BUYING rate has not slowed down this year... so much to catch up on!

When Excuses for Not Writing are More Than Just Excuses...

2018 seems to speeding by. Here we are, on the eve of Labor Day Weekend, and the proverbial end of summer.

Do you, or did you, have summer writing goals? Did you meet them?

Do you have a writing schedule for the year?
(When to write, when to revise, when to query, submissions deadlines, etc.)
Have you stayed on schedule?

Has your writing been clear? Easy? Or difficult, and muddled?

Have you been able to keep up on anything you planned this season?

If your answer is "yes" - congratulations! Job well done. I'm looking forward to seeing your progress in print!

If your answer was "no" or "not really" - welcome to my world. Join the club. I do believe a number of us are feeling down about this unfinished business in our heads...

I have been working on my memoirs, still, but in smaller and smaller spurts as the summer continued. I feel so behind on everything! Writing projects, travel plans, class scheduling plans, housework, shopping, reading...basically, life.

I don't know... it seems like I keep repeating myself, but my main obstacles to being more productive are:

1. Lack of writing space.
I've been working all year with an organizer to go through my apartment, pare down my stuff, reorganize my space, but I have not yet gotten to the office area. The current goal date is before my trip at the end of October.

The coffeeshops that I have always written in have all changed their hours, and I have been even more of a vampire with my own schedule, and I just haven't found a consistent time and place to work. When I force myself to do it at home, the bad seating gives me body pains. Must get the right new desk set up!

How I sit at a good cafe table, like my Starbucks...

Positions I end up at home, that make me ache!

2. I'm just busy, gah! 
This is true. I have stayed busy at my day job of massage therapist, in months when I usually have slowed down in the past. I'm grateful for the work, though! My social schedule has also been busier than other times of the year - lots of music concerts and events, several extra events for writers and even some extra group projects to take on. More on those another time...

I haven't been able to keep up with my book reading and editing schedule, either.

3. Smoke gets in my eyes...
Yeah, so living in the PNW, we are surrounded by wildfires. Especially the 800 or so fires on Vancouver Island... they make our air hazy, and also our brains!

Photo from KING5 News

Thank goodness the air has cleared in the past day or two, with wind and rain. Today, I saw clouds in a blue sky. But the mild headache all month, the need for hours of sleep (because the quality of sleep is not great), the fuzzy inability to focus (it's not just me!) and think clearly... all of this has cut into my productivity, and I need to accept that I am not fully responsible for this. These factors are real, and while I am feeling bad about not getting stuff done, I have to just get the rest, take the time, and know that it won't last. Already feeling clearer-minded, and here I am, at least writing this blog entry!

Know when to take responsibility for your work or lack thereof, and know when to stop fighting the negative influences of time management (don't lose sleep over losing writing time!), air quaility, health issues, and other unforeseen events. 

DO what you CAN, WHEN you CAN: if it's fifteen minutes of journaling, or five minutes of jotting down an idea for your story, or researching where to submit to publish instead of writing at that moment, DO IT. Any action taken towards bettering yourself as a writer, as a person, is a worthwhile effort. 

Don't kick yourself over what you didn't get done, be proud of what you did. Plan on writing a 15-page chapter this week but only get 1 page done? That's one more page than you had before! Move on. 

I have to constantly battle the voices that say I am lazy, or I never finish anything.... Just Keep Going. I keep a running resume of pieces I have finished, and pieces I've gotten published. See? The voice is wrong!

Life With Adult ADD: Things (Not) To Do Before Leaving on a Trip

    

Let's see... I need to leave for the airport in three hours, so let's do a checklist of where I'm at in the process of preparation at 2 am:

• Packed suitcase - mostly - 85% done
• Packed carry-on - mostly - 75% done
• Continue to update and check off packing lists...
• Followed up on last minute emails, updates, etc. Even did my newsletter last night!
• Updated monthly budget - does this need to be done now? Sure? 97% done (as much as able)
• Petted the cats relentlessly - mostly done - 80%
• Done Annual Periodic Expenses - Why? Why now? But, yup - 90% done
• Started reading a new book on Non-Fiction Publishing Markets - Started- NO! WHY? Stop.
• Ate a snack. 100% done. (But there is still food in fridge...it will go bad...FAIL!)
• Painted toes... nope, will take polish on trip.
• Laundry - done! 
• Sorted wallet - done!
• Changed purses - mostly done - 97%?
• Revisited work-in-progress for editing - NO! Save that for some other time! Don't you want sleep? A nap??? 
• A bath... when?
• Breakfast? 
• COffee? How soon? Now? At 4? Let's start a new book...NO!
• Should I sleep a tad? Or just stay awake and sleep on the plane, as is my usual routine? How much did I sleep last night? 2 hours?? 
• 2:06 am - Update blog - done!

2018: New Year's Resolutions

January is nearly done.

Every year, I do a series of meditations on my life goals and world hopes. I make a vision board (I don't care how hokey you think it sounds, I like it) of what I want to focus on. I revisit last year's resolutions list, see how I've done, figure out what I did or didn't do and why, reassess, and make a new list of goals for the coming year.

As 2017 came to a close, I did none of that.

We're three weeks into 2018, and I just did the list look-over, and have started a new Pinterest board for 2018 goals, but that's all.

Basically, this was 2017:

My tolerance for bullshit is .002%. 

My interest in the news is -400%, but I maintain...I do enough to know what's up in Congress, call and email my reps and senators, and hang on to a thread of my hope and sanity. 

It hasn't done much for my creativity.

I just looked at the list of resolutions for 2016. There were just five, as opposed to my usual 17.

1. ✅ Sleep better - Well, it turns out I have an allergy to wheat (or whatever chemicals they are calling wheat these days) so a gluten-free diet has solved those pesky sleeping and breathing problems. And my random rashes, yay...
2. ✔𝗑𝗑 Writing goals - the only one I did was work on the Allan ms - not done, though.
3. ✔   Massage networking - a little... but business has been busy, so yay, there.
4.  🆇  IRA - nope, but still in the plans...
5. ✅ Support Journalistic Integrity - I did this one! I paid for subscriptions to quality news outlets like The Guardian and Washington Post. I donated to several causes involving public interest, education, and the arts.

So far, this is my plan for 2018:

1. Organize home. I already have an organizer hired. Today will be our second session.
2. Make a writing area at home. 
   
   Ok, it won't look like this because I live in a small apartment, but the atmosphere is close...
3. Finish 1989 memoirs.
4. Finish draft of Baltimore Boys.
5. Do some performing - Storytellers, Moth, Salon, etc.
6. Make two submissions.
7. Read 30 books. Include classics by non-white authors, new releases, and both fic & nonfic.
   
   Last year I aimed for 52, but felt rushed. I need time to absorb. I also need time to read manuscripts for my writers group, and to write, myself!
8. Seek teaching opportunities. Work on panel submissions and written material. 
9. Get involved. Find ways... politics?, writing, cons, community arts, etc.
10. Travel. Victoria, Florida, Italy. 

That's my list so far.